You can’t talk about conjugal visits without talking about television, because television is pretty much the only place where conjugal visits still exist. A wide variety of TV shows either joke about or dramatize conjugal visits, from popular sitcoms that have little to nothing to do with prison life, like The Simpsons, Family Guy, and Seinfeld, to prestige dramas like Prison Break and Oz that purport to offer “gritty” and “realistic” prison tales. Conjugals loom large in public imagination about life in prison, which leaves people under the unfortunate impression that they are in any kind of way widespread or accessible.
Their availability has been in steady decline for more than 25 years. The mid-to-late 1990s are the often-cited high point of conjugal visits, with 17 states offering some kind of program. (Federal and maximum security prisons do not allow conjugals.) This means that at their most widespread, conjugal visits were only ever permitted in one-third of all states.
There are only four U.S. states that currently allow conjugal visits, often called “extended” or “family” visits: California, Connecticut, New York, and Washington. Some people say Connecticut’s program doesn’t count though, when it comes to conjugals—and the Connecticut Department of Corrections agrees. Their family visit program is explicitly intended for the benefit of children and requires that the incarcerated person receiving visitors be a parent. Their child must attend.
My boyfriend has been in prison for 28 years. He was 18 during the high point of conjugal visit programs. That’s when the state of Missouri decided to lock him up for the rest of his natural life, effectively sentencing him to a lifetime of deep loneliness and sexual repression, not just because Missouri doesn’t offer conjugal visits, but because when you are incarcerated, your body belongs to the state in every possible way—from your labor to your sex life.
